Im almost 20 years old now and i have no skill i can confidently showcase. Im from a good family had everything i ever needed. Yet i failed.
I realised that im really dumb and emotional and lazy and whatever u can name.
I guess somewhere in me i hoped that im one of those special autistic kids and i excel at something. Used to think that was cybersec but pff , im so bad at it its pathetic. For someone who's had 2 years to learn im very very very bad. Now im hoping its german but nah, i do homework last minute dude thats not how you learn a language. Im very very immature. Why couldnt i find the number to my college's admission office ? and my dad just googled it. I remember meeting the staff asking for a number i could call on, on every meet but they never gave it to me. Is that what how I function? Ask for something and when i dont get it i give up?
Im dropping out of college so i can study in germany. I failed and missed the winter semester that is all my bad. My anxiety or dumb excuses never let me call that counselor who wouldve helped me in the process. I never scored good while i was in college, i was always below average. I failed jee twice and harder than every dumb kid i knew
I cant talk to people, i cant make new friends on my own. I cant be relied on, which as a man sucks (dont wanna sound patriarchial but sorry, i do wanna be someone people can depend on) Physically also , I dont play any sports i dont work out. Im weak slim weighing about 60 kgs maybe 50 now cus of the meals i have been skipping.
What i really do everyday is be depraved man. i dont know for how many years i have been watching depraved disgusting porn and just spending hours in a day jerking off
My parents dont deserve a dumb kid like me. All I ever do is survive just like an animal.
I believed that i didnt have a purpose because of which i couldnt be successful. When i learned the purpose to exist is to exist... I guess you could say things got a tiny bit easier.
This isnt a suicide note, because i promised myself to do whatever my "purpose" would be, and that is to exist. This helps push the suicidal thoughts away thats good i guess?
I see no hope nowadays , i dont even want to because i shouldnt even be alive. If i am alive today and tomorrow it is only because of my wonderful amazing hard working family.
In current world i am nothing but a loser.
I do want to be better tho. It's hard ofcourse. But my life being the way it is right now where im not in college, arent sure if i'll get admitted in any german university , I really cant hope for anything but existing.